Louie can roll

Louie rolled over today and to mine and his amazement I squealed and cried with delight. It came as a timely reminder of how blessed and lucky I am to have children. It reinforced the love and amazement I have for my offspring and there is no other feeling or love that can compare to how you feel about them. Louies simple developmental step of rolling from his back to his tummy injected excitement into me and has lifted me out of a bit of a hazy fog I have been living in.

As of late I have felt quite detached from myself, seriously exhausted and questioning a lot about my life. For those who don't know me I am still a baby myself at 24 years old. When I found out I was pregnant with my first I was a hot 21 year old with a cool job, all the freedom in the world, a gorgeous boyfriend (hes still gorgeous ;) ) and a ticket to India. I was going to live my dream of spending 3 months travelling through India and studying and practicing yoga at an ashram in Kerala. I was on my path of adventure and 'self discovery'. I feel so corny even writing that as being a mum has taught me more about myself than any travelling or adventure experience could ever do. I was in shock to see those two little pink lines take form in-front of me in that public toilet in Byron Bay. This wasn't a part of the plan! I was meant to go travelling, find myself, become awesome, get married, buy an amazing house by the sea, have an awesome job, get pregnant, read all the pregnancy books, have the all time hippy dippy natural birth, have an awesome baby, be an awesome mum, go travelling with my new little family and the rest of my awesome life would just continue from there. Well the universe had other plans. And thank god! Because I was nothing short of delusional about what life was all about and what being a mother entailed. We even thought we would take our baby travelling around the world with with us - ahhh blissful ignorance!

This is what happened instead: after the initial shock and anguish of losing out on my youth I fully embraced my pregnancy. I loved every moment of carrying my baby girl. I enjoyed watching my belly grow and feeling her move and kick inside of me. I had never felt more connected to anyone or anything in my life. I had an easy pregnancy apart from the morning sickness and could not wait for the birth experience of my daughter. Mila changed our lives forever when she came along and also changed all my perceptions of motherhood.

I never expected to feel that much love for my baby. It was completely overwhelming and I just couldn't get enough of her. I also never expected it to be so hard. The sleep deprivation, the toll on your body, the emotional rollercoaster of all the hormones, the colic, the engorged breasts and everything else that came with my new bundle. It tested my patience and my sanity. It shook up my relationship with my partner and even had me question many of friendships. Just when I thought I had my little one sussed she would tip our routine upside down with teething or some other milestone she was going through. I got through it like we all do, I survived. It wasn't long before my fertility bells started ringing and I was ready for another baby. This time I had a turbulent pregnancy despite my best efforts to practice yoga, rest and meditate. I now had a toddler to contend with which meant I hardly even got a second to embrace my new pregnancy. Energy was low, morale was low. Fortunately, I had a very empowering and quite amazing birth experience with my son followed by three blissful days of just me and him at the birthing centre. He was and still is the easiest and most content baby ever!

Raising two young ones has been very challenging and it hasn't helped that we have very little support. I got to the point about a month ago where I was bursting into tears a lot and feeling incredibly demotivated. If you think you don't have time for yourself with one wait until you have two! However, this has just been my experience and like I said it comes down to a lack of support. Feelings of yearning for my youth began to creep back in and I started to feel trapped in suburbia, in my house, in a constant cycle of no sleep, toddler tantrums, snotty noses, a lot of feeding and absolutely no time to just check in with myself. I felt claustrophobic within the walls of my own life.

Watching Louie do his little roll brought me back to my present moment. It showed me how full I can feel from the simplest of things. I cant capture my past or my age and I cant grasp for the future. All i have is right now, this breath, this moment with myself and with the people around me. I think of all the woman who would give their right arm to have children but for whatever reason can't... I am so blessed to have a body that conceives, carries and births well. Thank you body! I know that at this time of feeling that my identity is lost I must have a grateful heart and just do what the world requires of me right now - which is to be a mum. And I'm pretty good at that :)